"It's just a Flesh Wound!"

Have you ever had one of those days where everything is going according to plan, nothing is out of the ordinary, and then, out of nowhere, you suddenly have a knife protruding from your leg and you’re bleeding in the parking lot?

Oh, so just me then?

Cool, cool.

My clumsiness knows no bounds. I once slammed my finger in the kitchen cupboard, turned around and tripped over the family dog, stood up, and finally stubbed my toe on the base of the banister. It’s a miracle I didn’t fall down the stairs while I was at it – really go for the gold, you know?

And, despite my predisposition to break in every door and baseboard in the house by running directly into them, I have never broken a bone (not officially, anyway).  Not even as a small child, when I ran circles around my family in the living room, screaming at the top of my lungs, and slipped and ran headfirst into the metal fireplace holder. I did get a very stylish butterfly bandage, though. Nor the time when I fell (twice!) out of the van because I missed a step and bit through my bottom lip.

Let’s not forget the innate toddler curiosity that spurred me to place my hand squarely on the stovetop burner. I still have the scars to show for it.

And so, it’s not terribly surprisingly that I would end up, at some point, with a kitchen knife in my leg – not when you really think about it. I didn’t get the normal injuries other kids had – broken bones and sprained ankles from playing sports. No, I go for the spectacular, the kind that make doctors cock their head to the side and say, “How did you manage to do that?”

I’m kind of exciting to doctors. I’m much more interesting than your standard common cold.

About a year and a half ago, I was dog sitting for my parents while they were out of town. My husband and I brought this spunky, Yorkie-Schnauzer mix named Stuart to our apartment to stay overnight, and we planned to drop him off the next morning at my parents’ so he would be comfortable while we were at work. On this morning, I decided to pack a lunch. I wanted one of the best staples there is for lunch food – a classic tomato sandwich.

However, trying to be clever, I decided instead of slicing the tomatoes at home and risking the mayonnaise on the sandwich turning them into a mushy disaster, I would take the whole tomato with me and pack one of our kitchen knives, so I could slice it fresh at work.

You know where this is going. I decided to pack a razor-sharp kitchen knife in my lunchbox. Which was nylon fabric, by wrapping it in paper towels as “protection”.

Nothing penetrates paper towels! Nothing!

Everything was peachy keen as I brought Stuart down to the car in our parking lot. I pushed his hyper, wriggly body over into the passenger seat and set the lunchbox down on the driver’s seat so I could do so. Momentarily forgetting about the existence of the knife (if I only remembered one thing that morning, it should have been the knife), I leaned over the lunchbox to get the dog settled.

And that’s when it happened.

It felt like a schoolyard bully pinching me as hard as they could. I couldn’t figure out what it was – at first. Did I just kneel on the seatbelt buckle? Was there something on the sea-

Oh.

Yes, there was something on the seat.

Remember my tomato sandwich?

For a few seconds, I didn’t do anything. I thought, “maybe I can just stay here in this position, and never find out what I’ve just done. Maybe if I don’t move, I can rewind time. I’ll just turn to stone, here in the parking lot.”

It’s not that I’m super squeamish about blood, it’s the injury that comes with it. I don’t like gaping wounds, or legs that bend unnaturally, or puke. Wait until I become a mother, won’t that be fun?

I closed my eyes and gently sat up. As I did so, the knife that had gone through layers of paper towels as well as my nylon lunchbox, slid out of my leg.

Now, before I tell you what happened next, let me preface by coming to my own defense. I couldn’t feel any pain, and Hollywood has taught me that if you can’t feel pain when you sustain an injury, you’re basically dead. So, there I was standing in the parking lot, basically dead. I watched in horror as my jeans went from a dark blue to red, blood pooling around me. I was in shock for the first couple of minutes because, you know, I was BLEEDING, so I pressed my hand against the wound.

Meanwhile, the dog panted in the passenger seat, completely oblivious of my imminent demise. He smiled at me. I wished for Lassie, or Old Yeller, or the dog from the Cesar Savory Delights commercial.

Nooo, instead I had Stuart the Wonder Dog, as in, it’s a wonder he can be so clueless.

I saw an older man walking on the other side of the parking lot, and I called to him – once, twice, three times you’re out. I know what you’re thinking – maybe he just didn’t hear you? Well, this was a small parking lot and my yells scared away the birds; he wasn’t THAT old.

It was impossible to tell, as I couldn’t feel any pain (remember, I was on my deathbed) how deep the knife had gone, or where exactly the injury was. I saw a hole in my jeans and plenty of blood, and that’s about it. In my confusion, I even used my jacket to tie a tourniquet just in case it was worse than I thought.

Of course, a tourniquet would have been better if I tied it ABOVE the wound and not BELOW it, but hey, hindsight’s twenty-twenty.

I called my husband to let him know I had been stabbed, and to please come get me.

I know, I know. That came out wrong. Again, hindsight.

A few minutes passed and my neighbor came into view, heading toward her car, which was conveniently parked next to mine.  With a polite, “Excuse me?” She looked up and I watched as her eyes widened to saucers. I asked if she could put Stuart back in the apartment, as I was a little…preoccupied.

Sometimes you meet people under the strangest of circumstances. We became friends. We bring her the family chocolates that we make at Christmas time, and she allows me to pet her temperamental bird. I learned that the strange screaming noise we randomly here when watching t.v. is not, in fact, a dying puppy, but a very vocal Aves. The more you know.  

My husband and my mother-in-law arrived a few minutes after my neighbor had helped Stuart into the house, and we got a good look at the knife wound. It was minor. It was embarrassingly so. I guess I wasn’t dying after all.

While my husband drove Stuart home, my mother-in-law took me to InstaCare. I walked in, in a pair of very oversized shorts (my husband’s), limping up to the front desk.

“Hello, I’m here for InstaCare.”

The lady in glasses reluctantly pried herself from her phone screen and looked up.  “Please fill out the tablet. What are you seeing us for?”

“Oh, right. I stabbed myself.”

There were several other people waiting for InstaCare, but for some reason, I was the next person called.

Remember how I told you I made doctors’ days more exciting? This was no exception. He didn’t try to hide the look of glee as he came into the room to do my stitches. “This breaks up the day, between all the coughs and upset stomachs.” I’m sure it did.

I was glad to be of service.

Maybe next time I can up the ante and come in with an axe in the back of my head?

 *Update: I went axe throwing. I did not get an axe in the back of my head. Poor doctor.

*Image Credit to Respective Owner.

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Dear John

 

 

Dear John,

I am not a stalker, we’ve never met before, and I certainly don’t know what color of socks you’re wearing (although if you have tennis shoes on, I sincerely hope you ARE wearing socks). However, over the course of the last two years, I feel like I’ve come to know you...on a personal level.

Intimately. One could say we’re even best friends.

For example, today the Dominos pizza guy called to tell you that he was ten minutes away from the Air Force base, and to please send someone to let him into the facility.

You are a lover of pizza.

A few realtors have texted, reminding you about open houses and asking for you to contact them for pricing. This has happened for years – you must like to dabble in the great housing adventure. In other words, you live on the wild side.

One of your friends wanted to make sure you were still “down” for game night at his house, because he had the Xbox ready to go.

Another friend sent a verbose inquiry as to your state of mind and physical wellbeing with a “What’s up?” text message. When I informed him I was not John, he tried to initiate the animal mating ritual of flirting, and was disappointed when he discovered someone had already put a ring on it.

Your grandmother would still like you to visit, as she has a permanent place set for you for dinners on Friday. You should really let her know where you live, John. THIS IS YOUR GRANDMOTHER, JOHN.

The salon would like you to confirm your haircut appointment, which I assume you never did. I wonder if you walked around with shaggy hair for the next week because you forgot. It was a cheap place, so you must be a “no mess, no fuss” kind of a guy.

Various – and I do mean various – political campaigns have been trying to reach you to secure their next donation for the cause. I’m actually unclear if this one was you, or if some random mischief maker gave my details out to multiple political parties for the fun of it. Feel free to make the donation directly through me this year instead. I’ll make Sure it gets to someone who really needs it.

You’re a young, politically minded, pizza loving, video gaming, real estate dabbling, forgetful employee of the Air Force who might be a bit of a cheapskate. Yes, you may use this as your blurb for Match.com. All those are nice and well, John, but what my friend really wanted to know when I mentioned you was whether you were single. If you wouldn’t mind getting back to us on that, we would appreciate it.

I think it’s fair to say that given enough time, you can really get to know a person by the type of phone calls and text messages they get. I appreciate that your acquaintances are much less vexing than the person who used to have my last phone number. I was getting awfully tired of the Collections department of various agencies ringing me around the clock. Gina must have been a real shady character.

Nevertheless, I suggest that next time -unless you want a total stranger knowing the inner workings of your life – please remember to update your phone number. Otherwise, I might have to tell the next Dominos employee who calls me that I accidentally messed up the address and I’ll have a nice, cheesy lunch on you.

 *Image credit to their respective owner.

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Response: Gaines Family and USA Today

An Orem, Utah resident named Darryl (I'm excluding his last name for privacy)was featured in a USA Today opinion piece, where he criticized the HGTV “Fixer Upper” stars, Joanna and Chip Gaines. In his comments, he stated that he thought they were not spending enough time with their children and focusing too much on their work.  Later, Chip responded to this article, emphasizing how important his family is to him, and if his job were in any way negatively influencing that, they would quit immediately.

This struck a chord with me for a few reasons. One, I felt it reflected badly on other Utahns (such as myself) and made it seem that, as a very family oriented state, we are quick to judge others in how they raise their own families. Two, I enjoy the Fixer Upper show for the very reason that Chip and Joanna Gaines are, by all appearances, a good and stable family who have their priorities straight. Thirdly, that people in our society feel that they have the right to criticize parents if they parent differently than themselves, and that it’s acceptable to publicly reprimand them. Finally, the idea that someone cannot be successful in their profession unless they are somehow neglecting their children is highly archaic.  See also: Backwards.

 Let’s not forget that these are real people behind their tv personalities, and making a judgment on someone’s parenting without personally knowing them is one of the harshest statements you can make. A good parent can be profoundly hurt by anyone insinuating that they’re a bad parent in some way. It’s further insulting when, as Darryl suggested, he somehow knows the inner workings of the Gaines family – from watching them on television. I would hope that most people can understand that “reality television” is anything but, and what may appear on screen as two people doing all the backbreaking labor to renovate a home is probably due in great part to a huge team behind them. In other words – it’s highly probable that the Gaines have more time to devote to their children than their tv show makes it appear.

 Beyond the television show, Darryl states that they must be too busy to spend time with their children because they run a ranch, have a real estate business, a restaurant, etc. Again, most “celebrities” have their name used as a marketing point, but are not personally running these ventures themselves. And, as I can attest, having a blog does not take up a great deal of time. Appearances and reality are usually two distinctly different things. He states that the Gaines are doing a disservice to all other families by making it seem like you can have such success and still have time for your family. I don’t believe this is a disservice at all. I think adults are intelligent enough and logical enough to understand what their own personal limitations are, and discern fact from fiction. If not, that’s really a personal problem, isn’t it?

I can’t go into every point that Darryl brings up in his opinion piece, because I don’t want my blog response to be as lengthy as the article. However, to view the entire opinion piece, please follow this link: https://www.usatoday.com/story/opinion/2018/04/27/chip-gaines-joanna-gaines-fixer-upper-family-first-column/554044002/

Why am I defending the Gaines family? Because I think everyone deserves the benefit of the doubt, because I have enjoyed watching their show, and because I think it’s not only judgmental but rather callous to make such a serious accusation. As Darryl said that he was a parent himself, I am further flummoxed as to why he would try to degrade another family. I don’t know if he believes himself the crusader of family values or if it’s for a different reason. I’m going to try not to presume. I simply do not know why he feels this way, but I can say, I think the only disservice here is the one Darryl provided to the Gaines family.

Someone’s level of fame should not make it socially acceptable to publicly blast their parenting skills without adequate justification.  There is an important difference between “I personally know the Gaines family and have seen their neglect of their children” and “I have watched the Gaines family on tv and think they must be bad parents.”

First cast out the beam out of thine own eye.

 

 

*Photo Credit to respective owner.

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Immigrants did WHAT?!

As the newest round of insults are being flung between the two major political parties in this country - not unlike monkeys flinging their sh – I mean “poop” at one another, I find myself wanting to stop talking to people altogether. It amazes me when people don’t know that they’re covered in poop themselves, before throwing a handful at somebody else.

But poop aside, I can’t resist commenting on a certain topic that was touched upon by the (currently) most famous politician in our country. The reason why is because of how morally reprehensible it was, but more than that, it wasn’t factual in the least. I can’t in good conscience not acknowledge the cruel and inaccurate message that the leader of our country tried to instill into the hearts of immigrants who came to our country for a better life. Most of them don’t have expectations of grandeur, they simply want to live in a place that has access to clean water, healthcare, and where they don’t have to constantly worry about a violent end to their lives and the lives of their children.

Immigrants are not a blight on this country – in fact, they are quite the opposite. And you don’t even have to take my word for it! After all, who am I? I’m not a scholar, I don’t have a position of power. I’m your friend from across the hall, your cousin that you see every few years, that one coworker addicted to caffeine. I’m an average American with average opinions. So, if you’re looking for facts to support my claim, there are numerous academic articles from college professors, politicians, business owners, research market analysists, and more on the topic. I think that’s the primary problem with our opinions today – a lot of our opinions are just that: they have no facts to back it up with. Your brother’s best friend’s cousin works for ICE and they say immigrants are bad, and they obviously know what they’re talking about.

Just the other day I was reading a book called “The Millionaire Next door”, by Thomas J. Stanley. It was published in the 1990’s, which means that there are more updated resource materials you could look at. However, the reason I bring this particular book up is because it is so well supported by research. Stanley and a group of other well-educated analysists were hired by a corporation to interview millionaires in the United States. They wanted to know what millionaires were actually like, outside of how the media portrays them. They interviewed a wide selection of millionaires and found out some surprising information. For example, did you know that the majority of millionaires are first generation? Most of them come from a background of poverty, and they built themselves up from nothing. They also never spend money on flashy cars, a huge house, a fancy suit. Very, very few millionaires today received their money from inheritance, because most inheritance millionaires are from decades past. Most of those prestigious families already spent all the money they had, because they never had to understand the value of a dollar.

Why am I talking about this? Because another interesting fact is that a high ratio of millionaires in America (at least in the 90’s), are immigrants. That’s right – those “lazy” immigrants the president is referring to started with no money in their pockets and built a future for their children, and their children’s children. And do you know how they did it? Through hard, honest work. By getting up at five am and coming home at seven pm every day. They are entrepreneurs, owning gas stations and sheet metal scrap businesses. When it comes down to the number of people in this country whose ancestors came over on the Mayflower, there’s a lot. But when you calculate how many hundreds of thousands of non-immigrants there are by the percent of those non-immigrants who are millionaires, guess what? The immigrants have it. They are hard-working, they are industrious, they are our future.

So, if you want to prevent immigrants from coming to our country, just remember that a lot of the businesses that are the backbone of our society are a result of their hard work, not yours. Immigration is not a “pick and choose” program. Let’s just see how this plan works out for us, huh?

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Respecting the Flag Verses Respecting Yourself

(big breath) Here it goes:

This is political. I may be unfriended by a few people for this, and that’s alright by me. If someone unfriends another person for expressing a difference of opinion that is not blatantly malicious or hostile, the problem is with themselves, and not with me.

It is someone’s right in this country to express their discontent with a small part or a large part of our government and society. It is also their right to express this without fear or threat against their life, their livelihood (their job), or the lives and well-being of their family. That means that we also have the right to express our disagreement with their form of protest, but our right to express ourselves ends at threatening their lives and their careers. It is also corrupt for someone in public office to use their power to incite anger and violence against other citizens in this country. If it were not this way, it would be stunning to see how quickly we dissolved into an authoritarian society like North Korea. Every day I am so grateful for the freedom that I and everyone else has – even when I don’t agree with them – in the United States to say how I feel even when it is unpopular. These initial statements aren’t my opinion but rather statements, my opinion follows next.

When that freedom is threatened, I must speak up and defend it, or risk one day losing it through complacency. It’s probably clear that I am referencing a specific hot topic today, which is the controversy surrounding some athletes taking a knee during the National Anthem instead of standing with their hand over their heart. Let me be clear: Take my words exactly as they are. I have no hidden meaning or agenda behind them, so please don’t twist them. I mean exactly what I say. No implication necessary.

I believe these athletes – like anyone else in this country – have the right to peacefully protest. This is on the assumption that they themselves consider what they are doing as protesting. We do not get to pick and choose which causes and which people get to have freedom of speech. I have seen far too many people already who are very vocal about their opinions on things, completely shut these athletes down and say they should be fired or worse. No. You have the right to protest in return or in retaliation. You can choose to no longer watch or attend the sporting events that these athletes play in – you can boycott. However, your right ends when you demand that they be fired for it.  Why? Because it is not a law to stand and have one’s hand over their heart. Maybe there are specific state rules that sanction such – I’m not going to pretend to be privy to every law in this country – but it cannot be a legally enforceable law. If it were so, our country would not stand out as a shining beacon. Being forced to show respect and kneel before a symbol of government is what they do in socially repressive societies like North Korea. I don’t believe anyone’s intentions are for the U.S. to become an example for repression.

The point of holding our hand over our heart and standing in front of our flag is beautiful because we choose to do so. Without that conscientious decision, it’s mechanical and it loses all meaning. If someone is forced to respect the flag, then they aren’t really respecting it at all but are motivated by fear to their life, liberty, and personal property. There is nothing beautiful about forcing your will onto someone else.  

Society has already established that other forms of protest are often dangerous, uninspiring, and do not bring about long-term change. Gathering a large group of angry people in a public place has often been catastrophic because anger feeds on anger, and people begin to act irrationally. It has caused thousands of dollars in damages to public and private buildings, physical injury and chaos, and sometimes even death – and that’s just in 2017. Holding protests on social media purportedly promotes the spread of fake news and misinformation because it is so easily shared, edited, and twisted for people’s own uses. People say social media is not the place to be political. Attempts to bring about actual change through our court systems have so far proved rather futile when it comes to race relations and discrimination. And of course, not exercising your freedom of speech and doing nothing is the most guaranteed change of never getting someone changed that your heart and soul believes in.

So how does one protest? It depends. If you’re white and you are already in favor of something that is socially acceptable to our society, you can protest by any means. Your true intentions will generally be seen for exactly what they are. If you are an ethnic or religious minority, things get tricky. Any form of protest will see strong backlash and viewed by white America as an excuse to re-enforce racial stereotypes. For example, an assembly of people of color in a public place that, due to the misguided, malicious intent of a very small few, takes a violent turn. Now America puts blame on the group as a whole and those with racist frames of mind will say that black people are naturally violent, and this is why they are not, and cannot, be treated equally.

So that doesn’t work. So how do you express the pain and agony you feel and try to promote change, if none of these are options?

This brings us back to the subject at hand – black athletes taking a knee at football games. This is silent, peaceful protest. Are they using their “star power” to bring an issue to light? Certainly, but anyone with a brain would use the tools and resources they have at hand to create the biggest impact possible for what they believe in. They are not using intimidation or trying to coerce others to start a riot or get someone fired. They are not burning our flag, giving people and the United States the bird, shouting obscenities and racial slurs, damaging property, or betraying our country by providing top secret information to our enemies. They are kneeling. Their kneeling is a form of objection and protest, but kneeling in itself is also a form of reverence and respect. They are still respecting the flag and our country at the same time as they are objecting to something they do not agree with.

The flag is not something to be worshiped, at least not in my opinion. My own personal religion asks me not to worship any image or symbol, simply to respect what I feel needs to be respected. Being offended is also a choice. We as a society choose to be offended by this. Some people say they might as well be spitting on their family member’s grave, who dedicated their life serving in the armed forces to defend this country. But part of that defense was also defending the right of people that they do not agree with, and that’s exactly what they are doing. They are using the rights that these amazing heroes have defended for them. Most Americans think Nationalism and Patriotism are good things. Many other countries throughout history have shown great nationalism as well, which caused an ethnocentric mindset and led to horrible, unthinkable consequences. I believe Nationalism and Patriotism are a choice – not everyone has to have it, especially if they feel their country is or has failed them in some way. We don’t get to decide how someone else feels, and it serves no good for anyone to disregard their feelings while promoting our own. We cannot pick and choose. Some people say: Well, these people are millionaires, they are not experiencing hardship. No, but I’m sure they have family members, friends, acquaintances, former neighbors that are. Perhaps they feel an obligation to these people Because they are millionaires and have so many opportunities to use that influence to help those who do not.

I support the right of anyone to express their discontent. I support the right of anyone to not salute our flag. It does not mean that I will not respect the flag, but that’s my own choice. We are not the same people, I have not experienced their lives, their hardships, or their pain. I do not share a racial community with them and cannot understand the unique pain of seeing others who share my skin color be hurt and made to feel obsolete. I’ll never understand that – I’ll try, but it won’t be 100 percent.

Please note: I am not here to argue or debate. I am here to share my opinion simply because most of you have already shared yours. I allowed you to share your opinions with complete respect for you, and have not attempted to start a flame war on your wall. I expect the same in return. As I have control over the content on my own Facebook wall, I am letting everyone know beforehand that I will remove any derogatory, inflammatory, and racist comments put here or on my blog.  

Thank you.

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Debate: Chair Reclining Monsters

Everyone has at least one pet peeve. Even if they can’t name it off the top of their heads, as soon as they encounter that “thing”, their blood begins to boil. My biggest pet peeve ever? People reclining their seats into my lap on an airplane.

Airline seats should come with a little warning attached to them:  “Recline At Your Own Peril”.  Because really, you are risking a lot just to get a small extra bit of “comfort”.  If you notice someone small and short behind you, it will probably cause zero harm to recline your seat back a bit, especially on an overnight flight. That is understandable. I’m only five feet tall myself, so a little reclining doesn’t bother me. That being said…

People who recline their seats all the way back into another person’s knees causing pain and injury are the most selfish human beings on the planet.

Yep, I said it. THE MOST SELFISH HUMAN BEINGS ON THE PLANET.

I’ve heard every counter-complaint there is. “Why should I limit my comfort for yours?” Well for one, not being able to recline your seat all the way back does not cause you physical injury. Do you realize that ramming your seat into someone’s knees is assault? Oops.

I am not tall, and I can only imagine how difficult this is for someone who is. My husband has a bad knee that he has had surgery on. The last flight I took, the person in front of him hit his knees while reclining, and thought their chair was stuck. So, they sat forward and then rammed their back into the chair to try and get it to go down further. It took them awhile and a grunt from my pained husband to turn around and realize, with an irritated look on their face, that it was physically impossible for them to recline further because my husband HAS knees. Yes, ladies and gentleman, he has knees.

He was not holding their chair, mind you.

Another counter-complaint I hear is, “well tall people should just pay extra for first class or the seats with extra leg space.”

Really? Then why don’t we just have a little section on the plane for people who want to recline all the way back, that they have to pay extra for? It seems only fair that someone who wants an extra luxury should have to pay more for it, rather than someone who just doesn’t want to be physically assaulted sitting in their chair.

In a perfect world, the logical resolution for both types of passengers would be airlines increasing leg room, or “pitch” between seats. Unfortunately, airlines have no interest in doing this. They also have no interest, according to studies, in removing the reclining feature or limiting it. Apparently, they like their overworked flight attendants having to get involved in disputes between passengers over leg room day in and day out.

So again I say this: “Recline At Your Own Peril.” Because if you’re crushing my knees, you are not just “using the space that you paid for.” In fact, the space you paid for ends the second it comes in contact with the knees of the person behind you. Did you know that? I thought not.

Why don’t we all just try to be a little more courteous? If the person in front of you is reclining and it’s not hurting you, let them be. Maybe you’ll have to adjust the screen on the back of the chair a little bit to see it. Likewise, if the person behind you has long legs, realize that you didn’t luck out on this trip and keep your chair upright.

Otherwise, prepare for the kickiest ride of your life. I promise you, sitting upright would be a lot less uncomfortable.

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All in a Day's Work Edition

Scenario One:

Me: “I’m sorry I cannot provide you with that information. However, the individual who owns the account can log in and give it to you.”

Customer: “I don’t want them to have to do it. How can I get that information?”

Me: “You can get it from them, but there’s no way for you to look it up on your own because it’s not public. They will need to log in to give it to you.”

Customer:  “Can you provide it to me?”

Me:  “Again I’m sorry, but it would be illegal for me to do so.”

Customer: “But it’s only a few, and I NEED IT.”

Me: “Umm…still illegal?”

Is this the same kind of person who shoplifts and says, “but it was only a few so it doesn’t count”?

Scenario Two: 

Me: “Sure, I can look up your log in information for you. In order to do that, could you give me your first and last name?”

Also Me: “Perfect, and to narrow down the search results, can you also tell me what state you are in?”

Young Customer: “United States”

Me: “Oh uh, okay yes, but which state?”

Young Customer: “Huh?”

Me: “……….?”

Young Customer “………………….”

Me: “The United States is your country…..not your state……”

Young Customer: “Uh…Florida I think?”

Me: “That’ll work”

You are the weakest link, goodbye!

Scenario Three

Me: “I apologize, we are not the right department for that. Let me get you over to the department that can help you. One moment please.”

-A few minutes later, the same person calls me back –

Me: “Oh, I’m sorry. Did you get disconnected when I transferr-“

Customer: “No there’s a recording that’s telling me that you are going to take my information and sell it overseas if I continue the conversation and I’m not (swears) going to do that!”

Me: “Uh, there is a recording that is for security purposes, that states if you end up providing us with your information and we need to speak to our partner whose product you are using, you will allow us to share your name with them.”

Customer: “NO, it SAYS it will sell my information overseas.”

Me: ‘I’m sorry, there must be a misunderstanding. I have listened to this recording many times and although it may sound like that, that is not what it means. The recording ends after a minute and then it will allow you to talk to our Customer services department, who can assist you.  Unfortunately as I am a completely different department, I have no way of assisting you with your question.”

Customer: “Are you telling me I’m lying? That what I heard on the recording is NOT what I heard?”

Me: (rolls eyes) “Nope, I am not telling you that you are lying. I’m stating that I am aware of the message and we are not going to sell your information. You can choose to hang up but unfortunately, that recording is required for legal purposes and there is no way to skip it.”

Customer: “I don’t want you tracking me. The NSA is already tracking me and they track my house and my phone calls and I don’t want to be tracked. I’ll just take my business elsewhere!”

Me: (smiles to myself) “Okay, you are certainly within your right to do so. I apologize for the inconvenience. Unfortunately, we are the only company who sells this product. Have a nice day.”

I get a lot of people calling me who have Paranoia – and I mean they actually have paranoia. The recording at my work? Yeah, it just says some legal jargon about how what we sell and what our partners sell are copyrighted and your call may be recorded for quality assurance, and that IF you are using a product that we sell through a third party and we have to contact the third party to help you (if they are located overseas), you will give consent to us to provide your name. It’s weird I know, but if you want a refund, the company has to KNOW WHO THE HECK YOU ACTUALLY ARE. Crazy, right?

Scenario Four

Customer: “I want a refund or I want a new product!”

Me: “Okay, we would be happy to help you. I am an internal department that works on software, so I would be happy to send you to the Customer Services department who can assist.”

Customer: “Nah I already talked to ‘em and I don’t want to be transferred again.”

Me: “I’m sorry, I understand the frustrations. I apologize that you were incorrectly transferred. I promise I will get you to the right place to have your situation resolved.”

Customer: “Naaaah don’t you transfer me or I’ll take legal action and I’ll sue ya’ll and”  -mumbles incoherently-

Me: “Um, I mean if I don’t transfer you, you won’t be helped. All I can do is make something up but I won’t actually know what I’m talking about or how to assist you.”

Customer: -complains about her issue more and ignores what I said, goes on for five minutes-

Me: “………………….”

Customer:  “Okay, I haven’t done this before but let me see if I know how to send you a new product by fiddling around on the website.”

Customer: “No! I want you to send me the product!”

Me: ‘That’s…exactly what I just said? I’m trying right now to see how I can send it to you, but it may take a bit because as I said, I’m not even the correct department.”

Customer: “No no no, I want you to send it to me.” -mumbles incoherently-

Me: “……………..”  (drugs?)

Customer: “Alsoooo, are these calls recorded? Because I just want to say that when I went to use my product at one of your locations there was a man working there and he lives in my same building, and I’m concerned for my safety – and so I just want it to be recorded that he lives in my apartment building and I’m concerned for my safety.”

Me: “Oh! Okay, did something happen? Is this something that needs to be brought to the police?”

Customer: “Nah I’m just – I’m just concerned for my safety and I want it recorded.”

Me: “Okay ma’am, yes these calls are recorded. But did something happen that would cause you to be concerned for your safety? If there was a confrontation please let us know so we can look into it for you.”

Customer: “Nah but he works at the location I went to and he lives in my apartment building.”

Me: “…….uh, okay.”  (what??)

Customer: -goes on for several more minutes about unrelated things and the product- “I’m just suspicious, I’m suspicious of your stuff. I’m also suspicious of Comcast, and I’m suspicious of Dell, and I’m-“

-those two companies are not connected to where I work in any way, shape, or form, it was totally random-

Me: -finally gets the issue resolved even though it had nothing to do with me-

Customer: “Alright I’m gonna trust you this one time. If that product don’t come I’m going to call you.”

Me: “Okay, here’s my phone number”  - gives her the line to the CORRECT department, not mine-

People are just crazy, for many reasons, but one thing that is ridiculous is when they demand that you help them and not someone else, when you, quite literally, cannot help them. What, you just want me to make something up? Old McDonald had a farm, ee-i- ee-i-oh?

Scenario Five

Customer Email:  “I passed a test you offer so I feel I should get the entire program for free now. How do I get it for free?”

Me: “We apologize, but while passing the test is a great accomplishment, it does not mean you get the program for free. The point of the test IS to pass.  Passing this test will give you a certification which you can use to show you have succeeded. We sell the test which is what you bought, not the software program. The program is sold by a third party and it is not free.”

Customer Email: “Well, I feel like because I did such a good job I should get it for free.”

I didn’t respond, ha-ha. I feel like I should get a convertible for getting out of bed each morning, but that doesn’t mean it’s going to happen 😉

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