I Can Computer, too

The daily drudgery of customer service can make you feel old before your time, but occasionally, you’re offered one of these rare gems that promises a good story for years to come. I call it:

“When you want to tell someone to just Give Up, but you’re contractually obligated not to.”

I can’t make this stuff up – it’s simply too stupid to fabricate.

In order to avoid this getting back to my workplace and receiving a solid reprimand, I have developed a very surreptitious, fool-proof method of identity protection. Prepare to be amazed.

I work in a setting that is certainly not customer service, training what are the opposite of teachers in how to use our non-product.

(How am I doing so far?)

In this completely fabricated position, I received a phone call from one such individual that went something as follows:

Me: “Thank you for calling, how may I help you today?”

Non-Teacher: “Yes I need help.”

Me: (didn’t I just…?) What can I help you with?

Non-Teacher: “I’m trying to register on your site and it’s just not wor –sit down! (brief silence) All of ya’ll sit down, I’m on the phone…..sit! Good golly….” (more silence before addressing moi). “I’m sorry, I’m trying to register but I can’t figure this out.”

Me, relieved that she wasn’t yelling at me to sit down: “That’s alright. To register a personal account, please go to (names website) and click on the “Register” button in the right hand corner of the page. It should open up another page that will ask you some questions, including your name, address, etc.”

Non-Teacher: “Should I put my real name here?”

Me: “Um, yes. That would be helpful.”

Non-Teacher: “Because I’m not taking the test I’m just doing it for my (non) class.”

Me: “No worries, but we’ll still need you to create an account with your actual name.”

Non-Teacher: “I don’t see a register button anywhere.”

Me: “It’s going to be in the top right hand corner of the page, in large green letters.”

Non-Teacher: “Which page?”

Me: “The webpage.”

Non-Teacher: “Which page of the webpage?”

Me: “The main page, after you type the url address in….do you see the Announcements? Now look up a little…okay, now you see Support section? Lift your eyes up the page a little more until you can’t go any further.”

-Ten minutes later –

Non-Teacher:  “Ooooooh, I see it. Do I just click on it?”

-          A few minutes into the call –

Non-Teacher: “There’s this little thing at the bottom of the page with numbers.”

Me: “(pause) Are you referring to the security code?”

Non-Teacher: “I don’t know what the thing is there’s just a bunch of blurry numbers.”

Me: “Does it say Security Code above it?”

Non-Teacher: “Yes, it does.”

Me: “Okay, so…it’s the security code. All you need to do is type those numbers into the white box below exactly as you see them. It’s to help the computer know you aren’t a robot.”

Non-Teacher: “A robot? Now why would I be a robot?”

Me: “I don’t know, ma’am.”

Non-Teacher: “Well how do I get some of the numbers to be up and the others to be down? – sit down! I AM ON THE PHONE! Hush, ya’ll are gonna have me rip my hair out.”

Me: “You can just type it exactly how you see it into the little white box.”

Non-Teacher: “Am I supposed to have the number five be above the letter Q all zig-zaggy like that?”

Me: “No, it’s just shown that way because it would confuse a robot.”

Non-Teacher: “Why would I be a robot?”

Me: “……….”

Non-Teacher: “I typed it and nothing happened.”

Me: “Did you happen to capitalize some of the letters? It is case-sensitive.”

Non-Teacher: “Oh I know what I did. I didn’t need the little spaces.”

Me: (???)

Non-Teacher: “Now what. It’s stuck on the page.”

Me: “You can press “enter”

Non-Teacher: “Alright I am registered. Now, how do I download your software?”

Me: (crying inside)

"*images to their respective owners.