Stranger Things

You thought this was about the Netflix original t.v. series, didn’t you? Don’t lie, I know it’s true.

Did I just click bait you?

Yes, yes I did.

Moving on.

Everybody does strange things – or so our therapists like to tell us. If I am being perfectly, selfishly honest, I don’t care if anyone else is weird, I just care if I’M weird or not. Something about the universe revolving around me, etc, etc…

I’m already aware of some of the peculiar habits many members of the human race share. For example, checking to make sure the front door is really locked three times before you can leave for the day, or having the tempting, hair-pulling desire to push anything that explicitly states “DO NOT PUSH.” I guess we all have that dangerous, innate sense of curiosity that wants to know if the world really end in bloodshed and chaos if we press that innocent appearing button. It seems worth it, at the time.

But then, so does eating that second donut.

What’s important to me – I mean really, truly excruciatingly important, is whether or not the strange things I do are done by anyone else. So, shall we? If any of these apply to you, be a pal and post a comment below, so I don’t feel so alone in this sad, cruel world.

1. While riding shotgun in the car, I count the number of words on billboards and can’t stop until one billboard ends in an even number of words. This could take a long, long, long time.

2. Sometimes, if I touch something with one hand, I simply have to touch it with the other, too. I haven’t tested it, but I think I might drop dead if I resist.

3.  I’m visiting a friend’s house, and I notice the painting on the wall is slightly askew. Excuse me, I just I have to – wait, wait – there. That’s better. Now, what were you saying?

4. I need to eat an even number of M&M’s. I’ll throw away the last one in the bottom of the bag, if necessary, to achieve my goal.

5.  I generally hate when people poke me. If they simply must do it, and they poke me in the shoulder, then they need to poke me on the other shoulder too. Otherwise, you might hurt the other shoulder’s feelings by making it feel left out.

 6. I obstinately refer to myself as a “Cat Whisperer.” They follow me wherever I go. Even though I’ve never had a pet cat, and sometimes they scratch and hiss at me, somehow, I refuse to let go of this self-bestowed title from my childhood. I AM the Cat Whisperer. Fight me.

 7. I get embarrassed for movie characters, to the point where I can’t even watch some movies because I feel so embarrassed on their behalf. For example – Elf. The humiliation, it’s just too much.

 8. If someone I don’t know very well leaves me a message and asks me to call them back, I’ll still text them. I’m not going to socially interact with you, I don’t know you like that!

9.  Along the same vein, if I have to call a business for a repair, sometimes I’ll write myself a script beforehand, just so I can get out everything I need to say in a timely manner. When the employee on the other end of the line veers off this script, I stumble all over myself. Stick to the script, Stan. Stop asking me how the weather is over here, Stan. I just need to fix my water heater, Stan.

So, are there other extra-terrestrials out there like me, or am I the only one?