Top Ten Reasons why Geese are Terrifying

     1. Picture this – it’s a beautiful, crisp morning, and you’ve just stepped out onto your front porch to breathe in the delightful fresh air. A content smile spreads over your face as you feel the warm sun tickle your skin. You know, without a doubt that today is going to be a marvelous, wonderful day. Ever so slowly, with no sense of urgency, you open your still sleepy eyes……and you’re suddenly slapped in the face with the image of a rabid gaggle of geese flapping their wings ferociously at you in your own yard, staring at you with the eyes of a natural born killer. The second they hone in on your person is when the swarm begins.

Nowhere is safe. They’ve apparently mistaken your humble abode for a lake or other large body of water, the stupid creatures. Now, without your consent, they have taken over your lawn, your driveway, even the very rose bushes you planted with loving care last year. Your eyes take in an endless sea of feathers and webbed feet, and whenever you try to take a step forward through the throng, they beat their contentious wings once more and ward you off with an evil squawking that would make Stephen King’s blood run cold.

There’s nowhere to run, nowhere to hide. You have been officially imprisoned in your own home.

                            http://i1094.photobucket.com/albums/i441/birdbgone/get-rid-of-geese.jpg

What…Are you saying this hasn’t happened to you? I am honestly the only person who has been terrorized like this?

Well then, never mind.

2. The sound of geese squawking is best described as a delightful combination of nails on a chalkboard, howling cats in a dirty Chicago alley, and a toddler throwing the tantrum of all tantrums in your local grocery store. If you don’t believe me, check it out here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A3xiEUQLzRA     

      3. They run in a pack, like Gangs of New York, like the Mean Girls Plastics, like the snot-nosed Newsies from that Broadway musical. Er, forget that last one. They seem so perfectly laughable on their own, until they realize the power of the angry mob (or “gaggle”, in this case) and they band together to take over the world.

     4. And they breed like rabbits, so it’s very possible that they will take over the world someday if allowed to carry on as they do. You don’t believe me? Geese mate every year and have as many as 10-12 goslings (hey girl) per season, each. Google told me so.

      

     -P.S. – they also attack innocent, unsuspecting humans who happen to be unfortunate enough to         walk in the general vicinity of their nest, unawares.

5.  Geese prey on the weak. When I was four, I was enjoying a life shaping experience feeding the little duckies at my local pond, when all of a sudden, a goose pushed its way to the front of the pack. I had just run out of my once bountiful supply of Wonder bread and vocalized this lamentably to the goose who, not taking no for an answer, proceeded to bite me on the finger and chase me around the lake, while the ducks started on in bewildered amazement. I’m just saying, between this and the home takeover, geese nearly ruined my childhood.

http://i.dailymail.co.uk/i/pix/2013/05/19/article-2327212-19D6C97B000005DC-60_634x334.jpg

      6. Because I am not alone: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MAeS2HhjPII This time, their terrorism has reached the news and escalated to Anderson Cooper. You know it’s serious when the Silver Fox is on the scene with the latest.

      7. Have you ever watched the television series Gilmore Girls? And, if not, are you even human? Poor Jess is given a black eye by a swan with murder on the brain and, well, swans are sort of like geese, aren’t they? They have to be first cousins, at least. Second cousins, tops.

-          Third cousins?

      8. A day old gosling can dive up to forty feet deep in water, and that’s just a baby!: http://www.interestingfunfacts.com/cool-facts-about-goose.html. Just picture a fully grown goose with its dirty little beak around your ankle, pulling you under. Unless you have gills, you’re a goner, buddy.

      9. Meanwhile, somewhere in Canada (probably), a gaggle of geese are reading this essay and plotting my demise. If they’re intelligent enough to fly in perfect V formations, they’re intelligent enough to read. It was nice knowing you all. Farewell, cruel world.

      10.   Does number ten really matter?

Fine, picky, picky. Take a gander at this:   

https://s3-eu-west-1.amazonaws.com/clickasnap/3669/goose-mouth-open.jpg

And that, my friends, is the reason why geese are the Devil’s spawn.

Disclaimer: No geese were harmed in the making of this rant. Thank you.