Dear John

 

 

Dear John,

I am not a stalker, we’ve never met before, and I certainly don’t know what color of socks you’re wearing (although if you have tennis shoes on, I sincerely hope you ARE wearing socks). However, over the course of the last two years, I feel like I’ve come to know you...on a personal level.

Intimately. One could say we’re even best friends.

For example, today the Dominos pizza guy called to tell you that he was ten minutes away from the Air Force base, and to please send someone to let him into the facility.

You are a lover of pizza.

A few realtors have texted, reminding you about open houses and asking for you to contact them for pricing. This has happened for years – you must like to dabble in the great housing adventure. In other words, you live on the wild side.

One of your friends wanted to make sure you were still “down” for game night at his house, because he had the Xbox ready to go.

Another friend sent a verbose inquiry as to your state of mind and physical wellbeing with a “What’s up?” text message. When I informed him I was not John, he tried to initiate the animal mating ritual of flirting, and was disappointed when he discovered someone had already put a ring on it.

Your grandmother would still like you to visit, as she has a permanent place set for you for dinners on Friday. You should really let her know where you live, John. THIS IS YOUR GRANDMOTHER, JOHN.

The salon would like you to confirm your haircut appointment, which I assume you never did. I wonder if you walked around with shaggy hair for the next week because you forgot. It was a cheap place, so you must be a “no mess, no fuss” kind of a guy.

Various – and I do mean various – political campaigns have been trying to reach you to secure their next donation for the cause. I’m actually unclear if this one was you, or if some random mischief maker gave my details out to multiple political parties for the fun of it. Feel free to make the donation directly through me this year instead. I’ll make Sure it gets to someone who really needs it.

You’re a young, politically minded, pizza loving, video gaming, real estate dabbling, forgetful employee of the Air Force who might be a bit of a cheapskate. Yes, you may use this as your blurb for Match.com. All those are nice and well, John, but what my friend really wanted to know when I mentioned you was whether you were single. If you wouldn’t mind getting back to us on that, we would appreciate it.

I think it’s fair to say that given enough time, you can really get to know a person by the type of phone calls and text messages they get. I appreciate that your acquaintances are much less vexing than the person who used to have my last phone number. I was getting awfully tired of the Collections department of various agencies ringing me around the clock. Gina must have been a real shady character.

Nevertheless, I suggest that next time -unless you want a total stranger knowing the inner workings of your life – please remember to update your phone number. Otherwise, I might have to tell the next Dominos employee who calls me that I accidentally messed up the address and I’ll have a nice, cheesy lunch on you.

 *Image credit to their respective owner.