I'm on the Phone!

We’ve all witnessed it.

That moment when your teacher has “Had It.”

You know what “Had It” looks like. Most of us have probably been on the receiving end once or twice. It’s when your teacher’s face starts out as a tight-lipped smile when a student makes the same stupid joke for the twenty-seventh time that week. It happens when they make it for the twenty-eighth time and your teacher’s sanity has decided that it’s had enough.

Suddenly, Michael is getting dragged out in the hallway by his one-hundred pounds soaking wet teacher, and Cassandra’s got it all on video. An overnight YouTube sensation.

Maybe it’s not that drastic, but if a teacher flips every now and then, and can we really blame them?

This is what they have to work with every single day:

Whoever said, “there is no such thing as a stupid question” made a very stupid statement.

I work with both the new, bubbling teachers and the experienced, at their wit’s end teachers. My job is to assist them on the phone with our testing software, so they can administer computer exams to their students.  This is generally at the end of the semester or school year.

End of school year = STRESS.

So I try not to judge.

Here are some interesting observations I’ve made over the last couple of years:

1.   Every troubled child is named Jamal. Every. Single. One.

2.       To get your students to be quiet, scream “I AM ON THE PHONE!” As loud as you can into the speaker of the phone. Not only will I hear it with ear-shattering clarity, but so will the class.

3.       Jamal does not care that you are on the phone, because he is Jamal.

4.       Teachers are often forced to instruct classes in areas they have no experience in, due to low budgets and/or being short staffed. This results in questions like: “How do I know if I am on a MAC or a PC?” and “What is an internet browser?” From computer class teachers.

5.       Jamal will laugh at you to look cool in front of his classmates when you tell him he better sit on his butt and do his work, or he will get “turnt”.

6.       Teachers are so overloaded with all the work they have to do, that they will try to get every class they teach tested in ONE day, and they will have “Had It” when it doesn’t work out.

7.       Jamal will shut up and say “yes ma’am,” when you tell him you’re going to call his momma. Jamal is afraid of his momma.

8.        Most teachers also cannot spell.

9.       Jesus will pick up the banner of Class Clown once Jamal drops it. The legacy continues.

10.   Teachers are interrupted every three seconds by an obsolete announcement over the loudspeaker. They are interrupted every other day by the fire alarm. They are interrupted ten times a day by Jamal.

And finally, despite it all, many teachers will come back and do it all over again the next year.

SO BE NICE TO TEACHERS.

Because it’s the only chance I have that they’ll start being nice to me ;)

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Things that Make Me Oscar the Grouch

1.  When I'm reading a work memo or newsletter that has been sent to numerous individuals, and they've used the wrong version of "your". Likewise, when they have clearly forgotten to use a spell checker. Bonus points when it creates a sense of suspicion or ambiguity in the sentence, such as, "Stop by the break room at 1:00 pm today. We're going to be having "sushi" for lunch."

"Sushi." No thanks, I'd prefer eating food that doesn't require quotation marks. This is only slightly better than "meat" listed on a fast food menu. Tacos, 2 for $2 - beef, chicken, or "meat". Yum.

2.  When someone I know passes my way and says, "How are you?" and I reply, "I'm doing great, thanks! How are you today?" And then THEY DON'T SAY ANYTHING.
No, you don't understand, I asked you a QUESTION. Questions warrant answers. This isn't just me, you guys, this is simply how verbal communication is done.

3.  Buying a bunch of junk food for a party (or for myself) and all the self checkouts are closed for the night. Great, now I'm going to babble out a series of excuses to the cashier in the vain hope that they won't silently judge me for my nutritional choices. I then wonder afterward if they were silently judging me for my babbling. I can't win this one.

4.  Upstairs neighbors that like to bowl in their apartment at 2:00 in the morning. Enough said.

5.  When I'm at a social gathering and people won't take no for an answer when I say, "Oh, no thanks, I'm terrible at [insert any sport or artistic hobby here]." I don't say it out of a sense of humility, but out of regard for my own ego. I really, really don't want you to watch me get hit in the face with the volleyball three times in one match. I already determined to leave that kind of humiliation behind in High School (where it rightfully belongs!).

6. The "complisult." This is a combination of a compliment and an insult all rolled into one. It's genius in design, because the receiver has to accept it lest they be considered rude and abrupt, but if they accept it, they have to accept ALL of it, including the insult attached to it. For example: "You look great today, you should wear makeup to work every day." I DO WEAR MAKEUP TO WORK EVERY DAY.

7.  Cats at my apartment complex who ignore me.

8.  Dogs at my apartment complex that ignore me.

9. Kids at my apartment complex who Don't ignore me.

10.  Olives.

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Stranger Things

You thought this was about the Netflix original t.v. series, didn’t you? Don’t lie, I know it’s true.

Did I just click bait you?

Yes, yes I did.

Moving on.

Everybody does strange things – or so our therapists like to tell us. If I am being perfectly, selfishly honest, I don’t care if anyone else is weird, I just care if I’M weird or not. Something about the universe revolving around me, etc, etc…

I’m already aware of some of the peculiar habits many members of the human race share. For example, checking to make sure the front door is really locked three times before you can leave for the day, or having the tempting, hair-pulling desire to push anything that explicitly states “DO NOT PUSH.” I guess we all have that dangerous, innate sense of curiosity that wants to know if the world really end in bloodshed and chaos if we press that innocent appearing button. It seems worth it, at the time.

But then, so does eating that second donut.

What’s important to me – I mean really, truly excruciatingly important, is whether or not the strange things I do are done by anyone else. So, shall we? If any of these apply to you, be a pal and post a comment below, so I don’t feel so alone in this sad, cruel world.

1. While riding shotgun in the car, I count the number of words on billboards and can’t stop until one billboard ends in an even number of words. This could take a long, long, long time.

2. Sometimes, if I touch something with one hand, I simply have to touch it with the other, too. I haven’t tested it, but I think I might drop dead if I resist.

3.  I’m visiting a friend’s house, and I notice the painting on the wall is slightly askew. Excuse me, I just I have to – wait, wait – there. That’s better. Now, what were you saying?

4. I need to eat an even number of M&M’s. I’ll throw away the last one in the bottom of the bag, if necessary, to achieve my goal.

5.  I generally hate when people poke me. If they simply must do it, and they poke me in the shoulder, then they need to poke me on the other shoulder too. Otherwise, you might hurt the other shoulder’s feelings by making it feel left out.

 6. I obstinately refer to myself as a “Cat Whisperer.” They follow me wherever I go. Even though I’ve never had a pet cat, and sometimes they scratch and hiss at me, somehow, I refuse to let go of this self-bestowed title from my childhood. I AM the Cat Whisperer. Fight me.

 7. I get embarrassed for movie characters, to the point where I can’t even watch some movies because I feel so embarrassed on their behalf. For example – Elf. The humiliation, it’s just too much.

 8. If someone I don’t know very well leaves me a message and asks me to call them back, I’ll still text them. I’m not going to socially interact with you, I don’t know you like that!

9.  Along the same vein, if I have to call a business for a repair, sometimes I’ll write myself a script beforehand, just so I can get out everything I need to say in a timely manner. When the employee on the other end of the line veers off this script, I stumble all over myself. Stick to the script, Stan. Stop asking me how the weather is over here, Stan. I just need to fix my water heater, Stan.

So, are there other extra-terrestrials out there like me, or am I the only one?

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Top Ten Reasons why Geese are Terrifying

     1. Picture this – it’s a beautiful, crisp morning, and you’ve just stepped out onto your front porch to breathe in the delightful fresh air. A content smile spreads over your face as you feel the warm sun tickle your skin. You know, without a doubt that today is going to be a marvelous, wonderful day. Ever so slowly, with no sense of urgency, you open your still sleepy eyes……and you’re suddenly slapped in the face with the image of a rabid gaggle of geese flapping their wings ferociously at you in your own yard, staring at you with the eyes of a natural born killer. The second they hone in on your person is when the swarm begins.

Nowhere is safe. They’ve apparently mistaken your humble abode for a lake or other large body of water, the stupid creatures. Now, without your consent, they have taken over your lawn, your driveway, even the very rose bushes you planted with loving care last year. Your eyes take in an endless sea of feathers and webbed feet, and whenever you try to take a step forward through the throng, they beat their contentious wings once more and ward you off with an evil squawking that would make Stephen King’s blood run cold.

There’s nowhere to run, nowhere to hide. You have been officially imprisoned in your own home.

                            http://i1094.photobucket.com/albums/i441/birdbgone/get-rid-of-geese.jpg

What…Are you saying this hasn’t happened to you? I am honestly the only person who has been terrorized like this?

Well then, never mind.

2. The sound of geese squawking is best described as a delightful combination of nails on a chalkboard, howling cats in a dirty Chicago alley, and a toddler throwing the tantrum of all tantrums in your local grocery store. If you don’t believe me, check it out here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A3xiEUQLzRA     

      3. They run in a pack, like Gangs of New York, like the Mean Girls Plastics, like the snot-nosed Newsies from that Broadway musical. Er, forget that last one. They seem so perfectly laughable on their own, until they realize the power of the angry mob (or “gaggle”, in this case) and they band together to take over the world.

     4. And they breed like rabbits, so it’s very possible that they will take over the world someday if allowed to carry on as they do. You don’t believe me? Geese mate every year and have as many as 10-12 goslings (hey girl) per season, each. Google told me so.

      

     -P.S. – they also attack innocent, unsuspecting humans who happen to be unfortunate enough to         walk in the general vicinity of their nest, unawares.

5.  Geese prey on the weak. When I was four, I was enjoying a life shaping experience feeding the little duckies at my local pond, when all of a sudden, a goose pushed its way to the front of the pack. I had just run out of my once bountiful supply of Wonder bread and vocalized this lamentably to the goose who, not taking no for an answer, proceeded to bite me on the finger and chase me around the lake, while the ducks started on in bewildered amazement. I’m just saying, between this and the home takeover, geese nearly ruined my childhood.

http://i.dailymail.co.uk/i/pix/2013/05/19/article-2327212-19D6C97B000005DC-60_634x334.jpg

      6. Because I am not alone: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MAeS2HhjPII This time, their terrorism has reached the news and escalated to Anderson Cooper. You know it’s serious when the Silver Fox is on the scene with the latest.

      7. Have you ever watched the television series Gilmore Girls? And, if not, are you even human? Poor Jess is given a black eye by a swan with murder on the brain and, well, swans are sort of like geese, aren’t they? They have to be first cousins, at least. Second cousins, tops.

-          Third cousins?

      8. A day old gosling can dive up to forty feet deep in water, and that’s just a baby!: http://www.interestingfunfacts.com/cool-facts-about-goose.html. Just picture a fully grown goose with its dirty little beak around your ankle, pulling you under. Unless you have gills, you’re a goner, buddy.

      9. Meanwhile, somewhere in Canada (probably), a gaggle of geese are reading this essay and plotting my demise. If they’re intelligent enough to fly in perfect V formations, they’re intelligent enough to read. It was nice knowing you all. Farewell, cruel world.

      10.   Does number ten really matter?

Fine, picky, picky. Take a gander at this:   

https://s3-eu-west-1.amazonaws.com/clickasnap/3669/goose-mouth-open.jpg

And that, my friends, is the reason why geese are the Devil’s spawn.

Disclaimer: No geese were harmed in the making of this rant. Thank you.

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