All in a Day's Work Edition

Scenario One:

Me: “I’m sorry I cannot provide you with that information. However, the individual who owns the account can log in and give it to you.”

Customer: “I don’t want them to have to do it. How can I get that information?”

Me: “You can get it from them, but there’s no way for you to look it up on your own because it’s not public. They will need to log in to give it to you.”

Customer:  “Can you provide it to me?”

Me:  “Again I’m sorry, but it would be illegal for me to do so.”

Customer: “But it’s only a few, and I NEED IT.”

Me: “Umm…still illegal?”

Is this the same kind of person who shoplifts and says, “but it was only a few so it doesn’t count”?

Scenario Two: 

Me: “Sure, I can look up your log in information for you. In order to do that, could you give me your first and last name?”

Also Me: “Perfect, and to narrow down the search results, can you also tell me what state you are in?”

Young Customer: “United States”

Me: “Oh uh, okay yes, but which state?”

Young Customer: “Huh?”

Me: “……….?”

Young Customer “………………….”

Me: “The United States is your country…..not your state……”

Young Customer: “Uh…Florida I think?”

Me: “That’ll work”

You are the weakest link, goodbye!

Scenario Three

Me: “I apologize, we are not the right department for that. Let me get you over to the department that can help you. One moment please.”

-A few minutes later, the same person calls me back –

Me: “Oh, I’m sorry. Did you get disconnected when I transferr-“

Customer: “No there’s a recording that’s telling me that you are going to take my information and sell it overseas if I continue the conversation and I’m not (swears) going to do that!”

Me: “Uh, there is a recording that is for security purposes, that states if you end up providing us with your information and we need to speak to our partner whose product you are using, you will allow us to share your name with them.”

Customer: “NO, it SAYS it will sell my information overseas.”

Me: ‘I’m sorry, there must be a misunderstanding. I have listened to this recording many times and although it may sound like that, that is not what it means. The recording ends after a minute and then it will allow you to talk to our Customer services department, who can assist you.  Unfortunately as I am a completely different department, I have no way of assisting you with your question.”

Customer: “Are you telling me I’m lying? That what I heard on the recording is NOT what I heard?”

Me: (rolls eyes) “Nope, I am not telling you that you are lying. I’m stating that I am aware of the message and we are not going to sell your information. You can choose to hang up but unfortunately, that recording is required for legal purposes and there is no way to skip it.”

Customer: “I don’t want you tracking me. The NSA is already tracking me and they track my house and my phone calls and I don’t want to be tracked. I’ll just take my business elsewhere!”

Me: (smiles to myself) “Okay, you are certainly within your right to do so. I apologize for the inconvenience. Unfortunately, we are the only company who sells this product. Have a nice day.”

I get a lot of people calling me who have Paranoia – and I mean they actually have paranoia. The recording at my work? Yeah, it just says some legal jargon about how what we sell and what our partners sell are copyrighted and your call may be recorded for quality assurance, and that IF you are using a product that we sell through a third party and we have to contact the third party to help you (if they are located overseas), you will give consent to us to provide your name. It’s weird I know, but if you want a refund, the company has to KNOW WHO THE HECK YOU ACTUALLY ARE. Crazy, right?

Scenario Four

Customer: “I want a refund or I want a new product!”

Me: “Okay, we would be happy to help you. I am an internal department that works on software, so I would be happy to send you to the Customer Services department who can assist.”

Customer: “Nah I already talked to ‘em and I don’t want to be transferred again.”

Me: “I’m sorry, I understand the frustrations. I apologize that you were incorrectly transferred. I promise I will get you to the right place to have your situation resolved.”

Customer: “Naaaah don’t you transfer me or I’ll take legal action and I’ll sue ya’ll and”  -mumbles incoherently-

Me: “Um, I mean if I don’t transfer you, you won’t be helped. All I can do is make something up but I won’t actually know what I’m talking about or how to assist you.”

Customer: -complains about her issue more and ignores what I said, goes on for five minutes-

Me: “………………….”

Customer:  “Okay, I haven’t done this before but let me see if I know how to send you a new product by fiddling around on the website.”

Customer: “No! I want you to send me the product!”

Me: ‘That’s…exactly what I just said? I’m trying right now to see how I can send it to you, but it may take a bit because as I said, I’m not even the correct department.”

Customer: “No no no, I want you to send it to me.” -mumbles incoherently-

Me: “……………..”  (drugs?)

Customer: “Alsoooo, are these calls recorded? Because I just want to say that when I went to use my product at one of your locations there was a man working there and he lives in my same building, and I’m concerned for my safety – and so I just want it to be recorded that he lives in my apartment building and I’m concerned for my safety.”

Me: “Oh! Okay, did something happen? Is this something that needs to be brought to the police?”

Customer: “Nah I’m just – I’m just concerned for my safety and I want it recorded.”

Me: “Okay ma’am, yes these calls are recorded. But did something happen that would cause you to be concerned for your safety? If there was a confrontation please let us know so we can look into it for you.”

Customer: “Nah but he works at the location I went to and he lives in my apartment building.”

Me: “…….uh, okay.”  (what??)

Customer: -goes on for several more minutes about unrelated things and the product- “I’m just suspicious, I’m suspicious of your stuff. I’m also suspicious of Comcast, and I’m suspicious of Dell, and I’m-“

-those two companies are not connected to where I work in any way, shape, or form, it was totally random-

Me: -finally gets the issue resolved even though it had nothing to do with me-

Customer: “Alright I’m gonna trust you this one time. If that product don’t come I’m going to call you.”

Me: “Okay, here’s my phone number”  - gives her the line to the CORRECT department, not mine-

People are just crazy, for many reasons, but one thing that is ridiculous is when they demand that you help them and not someone else, when you, quite literally, cannot help them. What, you just want me to make something up? Old McDonald had a farm, ee-i- ee-i-oh?

Scenario Five

Customer Email:  “I passed a test you offer so I feel I should get the entire program for free now. How do I get it for free?”

Me: “We apologize, but while passing the test is a great accomplishment, it does not mean you get the program for free. The point of the test IS to pass.  Passing this test will give you a certification which you can use to show you have succeeded. We sell the test which is what you bought, not the software program. The program is sold by a third party and it is not free.”

Customer Email: “Well, I feel like because I did such a good job I should get it for free.”

I didn’t respond, ha-ha. I feel like I should get a convertible for getting out of bed each morning, but that doesn’t mean it’s going to happen 😉