Why Aren't People Polite Anymore?

There’s the old saying “you reap what you sow”. It’s not always true, but more often than not, it’s the answer to most of life’s problems. I’ve found this to be case when I hear someone complaining that young people just aren’t polite anymore.

Now, to a teenager I may be old, but in general, people would call me young, and I can’t tell you whether people were politer in the 50’s, or the 60’s, or even the 80’s. I wasn’t there, so I have to go off what other people tell me, which is…they were, apparently. It’s a challenge for me to imagine adolescences truly being any more respectful then, but we’ll roll with it.

Okay, so what changed?

The more I think about politeness in the context of today’s culture in America, the greater one particular word resonates with me: offense.

This isn’t a blog post about politics, but there does seem to be a correlation between offense and politeness; that is, as people become more mindful of an increasingly diverse culture and want to avoid offending people, traditionally viewed forms of politeness decline.

People do not want to risk offending others for the sake of being traditionally polite.

As an example, I used to call people “sir” and “ma’am”. I stopped, because the response I received was negative. I had some people say, “I’m not ma’am, ma’am is my mother.” They could be five years older than me, or forty. It didn’t matter, but they still took offense.

The other dilemma is trying to guess someone’s gender over the phone, which is always a risk. Especially if that person does not identify as the gender you’re addressing them by.

So no more “sir” and “ma’am”. What about men holding open doors?

There are still plenty of men who hold the door open for women and children, my spouse included, but that courtesy has declined as well. I’ve heard of well-intentioned men being told off by women, claiming “they could open their own door”. On the flip side, some women get angry when a man doesn’t offer to hold the door open for them. What else can one do except attempt to gentrify this traditional form of politeness, so people stop expecting it, and they can stop getting yelled at for it?

No holding open doors. What else?

Standing up when a woman enters the room, pushing her chair in for her, or paying for a woman’s meal on a date all receive the same treatment: madam guillotine.

I can’t tell you the number of people I’ve had conversations with who say they not only dislike getting telephone calls, but it makes them angry. If someone can convey the same information to you through a text message, why would they call, interrupt what you are doing, and take up valuable time? It’s the same with stopping by their house unannounced. This is one of those elements of politeness that doesn’t have to do with offense, and more with an increasingly technological world.

But back to offense. Do you remember thank you notes and Christmas cards? They were thoughtful gestures, but now you must consider those who would feel your cards were distasteful. They prefer e-cards, because they don’t waste paper and hurt the environment, and they never check the mail. Perhaps the joke you made was culturally insensitive to penguins. People don’t want to pour their time into sending out cards if they aren’t appreciated.

Do you remember when people used to have debates, rather than arguments? Individuals could have differentiating opinions about something without recessing to hurling insults or even fists. It was socially acceptable to see another person’s point of view, even if their viewpoint was unpopular. In fact, it was a sign of wisdom and good etiquette. But now seeing someone else’s viewpoint is synonymous with agreeing with them. As an example, if someone goes to jail for hitting another person and it’s in the news, you are not permitted to question their motives for hitting that person, or sympathize with them in any way. You could consider their actions despicable while still seeing their reasoning, but your understanding is no longer viewed as polite. Instead, your willingness to try to understand someone who is considered socially unacceptable is either sexist, racist, perverted, or all of the above. You must agree with the masses and verbally skewer this stranger.

There are other comparisons I could make, but I believe these are the most-widely known as standards of American etiquette.

So, to answer the question that seems to come to many minds of the Baby Boomer generation, people aren’t as polite anymore because they’re afraid to offend someone. And, in this day and age, the fear seems valid. Plus, when your gesture of respect could end up as someone’s scouring Reddit story, is being polite to one person still worth it? I think the answer to that question is different for everyone.

In the end, I believe politeness has a way of falling in and out of trend, and transforms over time. I’m sure society will come up with new and clever ways to convey the same meaning. It may just not include “yes sir”.

Of course, this is merely my opinion. I certainly hope I didn’t offend you 😊