What the Scarf?

There are a lot of things in my life I never thought I would say but have, like:

“Does anyone have a glow stick I can borrow?”

And

“How could someone completely dispose of a body without a trace? Theoretically speaking.”

And even

“No, China’s not a continent.”

But do you know what I’ve never said? “Man, I wish I had a scarf right now.”

Because other than being a fashion accessory, scarves are a useless creation.

I present to you instead: The turtleneck, the high collared jacket, the hoodie. Or nothing around your neck at all, because your neck was fine in the first place.

A scarf really is the equivalent of a turtle neck, except you just spent an extra ten to twenty dollars buying one more article of clothing. If you don’t feel like you’re slowly being strangled to death every time something’s wrapped around your throat, just stick to the turtle neck. Same difference. Plus, it’s easier to wash a shirt than it is a scarf. You don’t have to worry about putting each individual turtleneck you own into its own wash cycle to “preserve the integrity of the garment”. It’s a SCARF.

On the other hand, scarves are adorable and come in a variety of styles and colors. If your main purpose in wearing it is for fashion and not for warmth, then you’re doing it right.

I always worry I’m going to lose the small but awkward piece of clothing someplace, or it’s going to get stuck in a revolving door and I’m going to be the idiot they have to call the fire department for. I have no idea how that’s possible, but as I’ve said before, I’m clumsy. How about the escalators? The bus doors? Your own feet? So many opportunities to face plant or hang yourself.

Yet in my dresser I still have a drawer stuffed to the brim with scarves. All pretty, all colorful, and all begging to be worn. I keep them, so that one day when I decide I’m suddenly fashion forward, I’ll have a hundred thousand scarves to choose from.

And to anyone who has bought me a scarf as a gift before, I love it. Please don’t hate me. In fact, I used scarves for a while to cover up my thyroid scar. There are a lot of creative reasons I could come up with to wear my scarves.

But it sure won’t be because I’m cold.